Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
