every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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