we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
