i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
