two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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