you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
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I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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