i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
