I just made out with a guy for $7.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
