if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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