My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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