This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
