so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
