So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
