There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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