Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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