I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
