booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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