Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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