im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
