bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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