last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
