in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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