Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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