Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
