if i can run in heels then i can drive
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
