if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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