Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
