im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
