Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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