It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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