Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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