it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
