Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
