Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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