Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
