The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
