she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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