i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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