R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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