I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
