Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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