well I can't set my house on fire every night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
