make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
