he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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