i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
