I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
