dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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