Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
