we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
