I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was born a porn star she said
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
