I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
