Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
