it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
