Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
