I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
