i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
