Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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