You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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