I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
