I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
